Maybe I overuse my brain. Will exercise connect my thoughts and feelings to the world through parasympathetic neurons?

Transference, transgression, repression, and overcompensation…all these vocabularies can be expressed in art. Audiences have suppressed desires and twisted worries, so I invent visual art, images, moving images, and sound, to represent the scenarios for them, so they don’t have to enact the dangerous desires and suppressed tensions themselves. We dream for them. The use of dreams is to visualize events without their unpleasurable causations.

I no longer want entertainment. Movies, music, and buying, I feel they have “no use”. What is meaningfulness? I am so indulged in consumerism’s definitions of behaviors that I weigh everything on the scale of whether they make me a more productive producer. Mom says sometimes meanings lie on the surface of experiencing events. In this short life I die soon, so instead of being obsessed with only doing productive things, why not pursue peace through experiences? I want to live somewhere else – I have achieved; I want to study art – I have made it. Both logic is paradoxical, as I will never be fulfilled either way. I am doomed to live with pain. If there is no pain, I will create it.

I said I constantly need to learn something, to produce something, to do something more meaningful than ordinary everyday living, eating, sleeping, and shitting. This thing I desire is the object petit a, the thing I will never reach but forever wander around it. This void I desperately want is only reflected in ordinary behaviors and mundane actions such as learning and remembering, repetitive brushstrokes, and art making, while the stimulant that supports me as a perpetual machine is the desire to reach this void kernel. I dream of becoming a butterfly like Zhuang Zhou (庄周) in a lucid dream, aware that I am hallucinating, but nonetheless want to be that butterfly forever, and fantasize about becoming it when I wake up.

On the other hand, I said life is short, so I need to do what is important and meaningful – meaningful according to commodity value for me as a producer in the society machine. I do whatever I can to become a better machine to produce more efficiently and receive commodities in turn for surplus enjoyment. Additionally, in a purer ideological interpretation, I desire to grasp the solid forms of meaningfulness and importance to fight the fear of death and deny of nonexistence of an ultimate self.

I am the object I can never reach. I never live.

In neuroscience or clinical psychology, this is a demonstration of obsessive-compulsive behavior. Obsessive and compulsive people often lack serotonin, which makes them uneasy, hysterical, overthink,, and overact.

What pushes me out of bed to study, work, play, and feel, is the longing for that real object. Not being able to reach it, I create fantasy (visual art, virtual art, images, and moving images) as demonstrations of my fantasy of that unreachable and juicy dasein.

I transform from depressive to anxious mode. Before going abroad and studying what I perceive as an appropriate method towards becoming a well-behaved and positive-minded producer, I deny the system of production and consumption, and all those surplus enjoyment we keep as meanings of living. Since there is nothing else besides this game, I stay in the the dark depression of nothingness but without the temptation of suicide, to delay my acts, waiting for the right moment when I can release power on gaining the most meaningful behaviors enriching this transient life.

However, when that moment comes, and I am right now on this stage, with the versions of my old self sitting in the audience’s seats waiting for this thrilling ultimate performance of a young man’s life finally pursuing her dream career in a dream city, this actress turns to the opposite side of depression. No longer obsessed with the right moment, I become hysterical and anxious, so sucked into the game of production and consumption, of self as producer and expectations from a visual world

Every act is too important to handle because I am in the right moment I have been waiting for so long. I overtake myself in my act, unmasking the falsity of the depressive mode or my old obsessional selves as audiences waiting for this big show after so many advertisements and previews.

I know I am more than myself, more than my old selves because I am constantly renewing experiences and mindset, more than this current self at the moment because I always expect more in the future and my old self always expects more than what I am doing now at this moment.